First off, I understand your concern and am so happy that you've taken the time to discuss your situation. This is a hard question to answer over the internet. If you're willing, I'd love to meet with you in person sometime to help walk with you through this struggle. I want to encourage you not to give up the fight and know that it will be hard. Jesus told us that it would be a FIGHT but that He's won the fight for us.
John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Many times I feel like giving up. You may not hear that very often but the Christian life can be like waking up to go to World War 2 each day. I'm unsure of your circumstance but I want to encourage you to fight. I would also love the opportunity to ask you what you've done to fight in the past? The reason that i say that is that many times Christians give up before they've ever really fought. They do this by trying to battle on their own when in reality God has given us a family to fight with us. I'm here for you and so is your church. One of Satan's (I HATE HIM) weapons against Christians is what I'll call the "neutral bullet". He gets you in a despairing place where you think that if you talk to somebody then you've failed or that life will be worse. He then whispers the lie...you're not good enough and are a bad Christian. He's good at it cause he's the father of lies and has been lying for longer than we've been breathing. Remember, YOU ARE A SINNER. It's OK that you're not OK cause Jesus was OK in your behalf. If you put your faith in Him this makes you OK with God....OK? Satan doesn't want you to believe that because he knows that when you live out that belief then it vanquishes his attack and turns the light of Christ on his dark schemes. DON'T BE FOOLED. Remember the gospel. You're in a battle, do you see your life this way. The Scripture below is helpful to me when I'm tempted to give up.
Eph. 6:10-20 ¶ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and shaving put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.
We are in a battle each day my friend. You've got brothers and sisters who fight with you for the same king. There are many fighting against you for the wrong side. Jesus has won but for now He calls us to fight. We fight with weapons of love, the gospel of peace, the hope of the resurrection, the reality of the forgiveness of sins. This is something that you must remind yourself of EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. Don't give up. Don't quit.
Again, please talk to God and to someone in the church that you trust. I'd be honored to discuss this with you in person. Don't be ashamed...Don't be ashamed.
I love you in God's way,
Derrick
derrick@derrickharris.com
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